I can be tiresome.
I don’t mean just to the people around me but also I find myself tiresome. Sometimes. I am not always a mental whirlwind with a slashing tongue and a searing wit. No, the mundane, day-to-day things also keep my mental peanut distracted. It is in these moments of distraction that I can best correct myself and remain on the path I have chosen. It’s not easy because I can enjoy my distractions but they can cost me precious energy.
Over the last month I have kept a watchful eye on my seemly inane thoughts. They are hardly innocent but I never thought the darn thoughts roving through my head were quite so dangerous. Luckily they were not telling to do bad things but they were encouraging my to momentarily quit. Quit being peaceful, loving and seeing the value in things. I plan to discuss this see the value in things at a later date too.
I fancy myself an urban guru of sorts. However when I forget and lapse into banal humor and other amusements I feel less like a guru and more like a recovering alcoholic enjoying a binge. Just like alcoholics I deal with my menial thinking on a daily basis. Step by step I attempt to live my life each day as a loving and understanding being with compassion for others. Just saying those words can make me cringe or shudder depending upon how I accept them. When I say the words with an open heart set on good intentions I shudder with anticipation, believing that something great is happening. Stating the words as if they are rudimentary decoration makes me cringe. I’m left with a feeling that I try to dress up my point of view similar to placing pearls on a pig.
For nearly 5 weeks I have been experimenting with my own ability to control my own energy. Yep! It’s about me again. I tested myself regularly and there were some very discouraging events. I’ll discuss these later in other posts too. And at the same time there were some extremely encouraging events a well. The most important discovery was what happened to my energy (physically) when I thought in a particular way about a particular thing. The results have changed my way of thinking for the better. It reminded me of what I had systematically forgotten. I believe it is a phenomenon that we all under go in life, the forgetting. We are not born negative. We become negative because we are taught to think about it. “Go sit over there and think about what you did wrong!” Sound familiar?
What we focus upon is also what we become. If you focus on good you become better and eventually good. The scale dives in the other direction too. I found that my minor slips into that negative void were at first like stepping into your favorite pair of shoes only to find out that they don’t fit anymore. They don’t feel like they used to because I’d grown, changed. Those biting quips I used to make, the brief flits of road rage at my fellow car grazers, even a simple observation of an obese woman waddling around in a pair of those formless, style unconscious Ugg boots that were tight around her ankles, all of these passing thoughts drained me of my very precious energy.
Energy is simple. Negative energy is weighted and heavy. Positive energy is light and almost weightless. I say ‘almost weightless’ because positive energy carries something important called responsibility. Negative energy is actually energy used irresponsibly. Energy used without care usually has negative results. At least it appears to be negative until we see the lesson hidden in the result. Then it is no longer good or bad but becomes what we think about it; which is another way of saying that we judge it differently.
Aha! We judge. That is what we do. I watched myself judging people and things for almost 5 weeks and I saw how much energy I used irresponsibly. I realized how much time went into not liking things, not loving people. It was exhausting. Many of us already know that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. On an even subtler level smiling (even if it’s just mentally) can change your life. It changes mine.
I thought that being positive all of the time was tiresome. Carrying around negative energy is tiresome. Thinking negative thoughts wears me out. Fighting off negative energy tires me faster than a bullet train. If I see life as a roller coaster, then negative energy is like sitting in one of the cars with precarious safety straps that feel that they could break at any moment. I spent so much of my time making sure that I did not step on landmines or fall into pits that I did not really enjoy the journey I was taking. When I finally saw how much that behavior was costing me I stopped. The beautiful thing about energy is that the results can be instant and powerful. When I stop feeding negative energy then I can replenish my own reserves faster and and redirect the flow towards an intention that provides me with energy in return.
Taking responsibility for what I think, do and say no longer tires me like it used to because I understand what is happening. It has become second nature to look for the good in most situations, to compliment people, to literally stop and smell the roses, to share what I have learned and to love. It is a load that I don’t mind sharing. I still see many people trudging through the daily grind and muttering obscenities about their fellow sufferers as they too attempt to pull themselves from the muck of negative thinking. Taking responsibility does not mean that I no longer laugh at the things that people do, or things that I see. I still enjoy myself. The difference lies in the fact that I take no satisfaction in the suffering of others.
I refuse to let you think that I might be perfect or think that I think I am perfect. I’m not. Like every junky I am susceptible to distractions. I think I want to put on those comfortable shoes again and just walk a mile or so. It never works that way. Before I know it I’m miles off the path, wearing my formless and irresponsible Uggs with sore and aching feet. The good thing? I can easily put on the shoes that give me the proper support because I carry them with me. I change my thinking and change how I see the world. I know where the path is. I’m okay with being responsible because it’s less expensive and feels pretty darn good!